Tag Archive: Starvation


For once, I am going to exercise some discipline and force my raging, anorexic mind and (consequently) my restless, driven body to be still, while I sit here and type a post on my blog.

It’s something that I have been avoiding for a while, the reason born of a desire for this blog to be one that inspires others with eating disorders, and informs those who seek to understand more about the illness.

I can’t accurately describe my resentment towards the disparity between my healthy, passionate heart and my sad, bony frame. I hate the fact that I am desperate to encourage your suffering friend / sister / self, to offer hope and triumph,  whilst my own body becomes less and less and my own story one of failure. I long to prise the illness away from others yet I am riddled through to my marrow.

It’s disheartening. I always said I could write a comprehensive guide to Anorexia but still die of it.

It sounds as if I am giving in..

Don’t be fooled. I will never truly abandon the fight. I am certain that somewhere, albeit amazing at Hide and Seek, somewhere,  I still hold a small seed of hope.

I’m posting this because despite the horrible discrepancies I write of, my determination to avoid hypocrisy demands that I am honest about my own journey. That means admitting that I can’t find a way out; admitting that whilst I have the passion to educate the uninitiated and to offer hope to the hopeless; I can’t really do that until I have battled and won. It’s no good my standing, almost dead on my feet, whilst I preach recovery and restoration.

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Do as I say, not as I do… The familiar face of Anorexic hypocrisy!

I am in a dangerous place, with a life threatening BMI and the illness is wrecking havoc. The shortage of beds on a national scale mean that I haven’t yet been put into hospital, but this is what my clinician is waiting for. She thinks it’s the only way ahead right now.

Determined to continue the trek, I have temporarily set up camp in the desert (not to be confused with the similarly spelled ‘dessert’ – Delight at irony still as prominent as ever). My arid landscape affords a pathetic diet, my feet are too tired to walk much further and, some of the time, I have my head in the sand. There are occasions though, where I can look around me and take stock of these hostile surroundings, and perhaps accept that I may need to be removed from here until I’m stronger again. There are also occasions where, if I squint at the burning horizon, I imagine a glimpse of water, of greenery.

I’ll let you know whether or not it’s anything more than a mirage.

For now, let’s try to hope

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ribsAnorexia Nervosa: A disease which manifests in the relentless starvation of the body and the mind; a denial of a basic human need; a refusal to satisfy the gnawing hunger for nutrition.

It never ceases to amaze me then, how an illness defined by such dreadful starvation, manages to devour so much.

And make no mistake, whilst the body turns to bone and the organs starve to standstill, Anorexia is eating.

It eats your flesh and then gnaws at the bone. It sucks on your brain until your mind is an empty city, a fragile ruin where thoughts move slowly and decisions make tears.

It devours your life, your work, your relationships; chews up the potential for a future and spits it out in a dark mess of would have beens and might haves.

It feeds on the hearts of your loved ones; a painful suckling in the darkness of the night, a sharp breaking away in the cold light of the morning.

Like a parasite, it swells and fattens as its cotton – mouthed host withers.

And it only stops, when it has eaten everything; from the body, to the life, to the dreams of its victim.

You won’t find this definition of Anorexia in the BMJ, or the DSM or the ICD.

But I swear, this is one of the truest definitions and criterion you’ll find.