So I believe in the things I say. I believe in recovery. I believe in the possibility of turning things around. I believe that love triumphs over all. I believe that hope is the key to recovering and conquering our enemy. I believe in miracles, occasionally. I believe in the power of prayer. I believe that mindfulness is important and can help relieve the agony we can go through as sufferers of addiction and mental illness.
However, that doesn’t mean that I’m in the best place to be dishing out advice.
Anorexia Nervosa has ruled my life for the past seven years and continues to do so.
I have relapsed. I am waiting to go back into treatment. This is imminent and will involve the indescribable mental torture of refeeding in a day unit setting.
I feel that I need to be honest in order to keep writing this blog.
I want to offer hope to others through my own determination to recover. I know that there will be times when I waver, stumble and fall. I know I will cry out in pain. I have been here before.
This time I want it to be the last.
I consider myself blessed to have the chance to recover as I recall those who have not survived the harsh and abusive regime of denial that leads to this extreme of malnutrition. Anorexia has the highest mortality rate of all mental illness and those of us who battle this illness, and so often give in to its cruel demands, forget just how easily our bodies could fail to keep running on empty.
If you’re thinking about recovery, I encourage you to take the scariest step and go for it,
Your body is not an inexhaustible resource.
This illness will make you dice with death in ways your rational self will not react to until it is allowed to surface.
In my last post, I borrowed the words from an old hymn to use in a metaphor for ‘the will to recover’.
I wanted to highlight(no pun intended) the importance of keeping that will alive, making it flare up and then harnessing it to use as a source of power and light as we progress on the dark journey towards recovery.
Not easy when the illness or addiction is playing King in your mind and all will and all incentive is laid prostrate before it, bent and unable to muster so much as a whisper of it’s own volition.
Anyway, as I thought about my last post, I was nagged by the thought that it’s all well and good writing about keeping our oil topped up; keeping our willpower alive; maintaining the hope for recovery and keeping that spark that drives us clear and strong…
what IS the oil… and WHERE do we GET it from?
I started to question how I fuel the drive towards recovery, and wondered what I needed to use more of.
And I came up with these:
Mindfulness exercises I was taught in hospital
friends who are ahead of me on the journey back to a future that looks something near normal
allowing myself to risk dreaming of what ‘could’ be…
Music – Particularly songs with lyrics which inspire me
It might (or might not) be useful to think of things to turn to as sources of power when you feel like your will to make it is running dry…
I wondered, if it’s not too personal, if anyone had any that they would share?
You never know, your oil could help to fuel someone else.