Tag Archive: Bulimia nervosa


As something of an ED veteran, I feel somewhat obligated to add something to the enormous swell of posts and articles prompted by Eating Disorders Awareness Week 2018. It’s ironic that the very thing that stops me from writing about Anorexia is the Anorexia itself*… but I’m here now, tucked in a corner of Costa, so I may as well give my tuppence worth on the topic.

Eating disorders must be one of the most complex areas in mental health and it’s for this reason that they are also one of the most misunderstood. Incredibly difficult to treat, they confound and defy loved ones and doctors alike, resulting in horrible recovery stats and mortality rates. The fact that 20% of sufferers die of this illness weighs particularly heavy on me today, as this morning’s Facebook newsfeed informed me that March 1st is the birthday of a lovely young lady I was once in hospital with… Tragically, it’s a birthday that she isn’t here to celebrate.

I’m not sure that people really understand the gravity of this illness, possibly because it’s given quite a lot of coverage which seems to mark it as a teenage phase, and possibly because it has been so closely linked to models and media. Whatever the underlying message, I speak from bitter experience when I say that Anorexia can be fatal.

And not fatal in the casual way that people use the word. Y’know, like, “Ooooh! Don’t buy the Amazon Dot! Starting a conversation with Alexa is fatal..!” Not THAT kind of fatal. I mean the kind of fatal that leaves loved ones reeling, practitioners; gutted and blamed and helpless; figures on charts revealing that 20% of Anorexics will die prematurely because of their condition.

Image result for eating disorders get help

A couple of points for sufferers

1.  Getting help early is absolutely KEY. I know many people who have recovered because they got help quickly and did so when they were young. I get that you’ve probably heard it before, and I know it might feel terribly difficult but seriously, if you think you might be struggling with an Eating Disorder, get help NOW.

I also want you to know that although many people understand their condition, you may be one of those who don’t really believe you’re ill. It’s a tough one and it requires you to be very, very painfully honest with yourself (even if you can’t admit it to anyone else yet). Eating Disorders can be like child abductors. They can wheedle and whine, coax and cajole, smile sweetly… and then, when they’ve got you, they turn. It’s a horrible analogy, but its a horrible illness.

You might hear thoughts telling you that you’re just on a diet; you just need to lose some more; you just need to have some control; it’ll be okay if you get rid of everything you eat…

It may be an increasing set of rules. You can’t have anything unless you’ve been to the gym… Your friends and family are lying to you when they say you’re looking thin… You don’t deserve anything good… Your body is something you’re deeply ashamed of… You must get fitter and faster and achieve more and more and more and eating is the only way you can be successful…

Get help. If this sounds like you, it’s not. It’s the whispering abductor. Please get help.

I’m hoping that you hear the urgency that I’m writing with. Getting help today rather than next month could be the difference between a year battling Anorexia, or a decade. And yes,  it might go against everything you think you want but believe me, there will come a time where you will thank your self for refusing to listen to the manipulating voices in your mind.

2. Anorexia, Bulimia, Binge Eating Disorder, Other Non Specified EDs are not something to be ashamed of.  It’s not your FAULT and you’re not to blame. People who love you might not understand yet, they might be angry and frustrated, but that doesn’t make you wrong. It’s an illness and it needs medical attention. Don’t think that you CHOSE this. It targets its victims and then preys on their minds.

Take some comfort from the fact that what you CAN control are the decisions you can make to help yourself. You can get help, even though it’s a frightening thought. You can be brave enough. You can take tiny steps. You can be gentle with yourself and kind to yourself by allowing someone else to support you. Pick someone who might understand something about it… a kind teacher, pastor, wise friends…

Eating disorders aren’t choices. Recovery options are… or should be so long so long as provisions are there.  (That’s a whole other post!)

Let me know how it goes.

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*If you don’t understand this, I need to explain that Anorexia impacts the mind in a multitude of ways, most of which, you’d never know unless you’ve suffered it. It’s not possible to go into more detail now, but I’ll do a post on it sometime!

https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/support-services

https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/screening-tool

 

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Hamlet_

Perhaps it is the sheer weight of Hamlet’s question, the blunt , blatant daring of it, that has made it the most famous line in the history of Shakespeare.  The phrase, often coined as being an expression of ‘existential despair’, or in less literary terms, a ‘question of life, or death’, has become widely quoted (very often comically) by students and adults in all manner of situations. Rarely however, is it used to describe the slightly darker context within which Shakespeare penned it.

It’s been in my head.

I write in an attempt to somehow pin down the darting shards of unfledged thoughts and feelings that fleck the walls of my brain every time this quotation smashes against them. This question of living or dying is particularly potent for those whose legs dangle over the sea wall of contemplation; eyes alternating between the storm tossed ocean of addiction and disorder, and the dark, unending tunnel of recovery.

Neither side is alluring,

sea stormThe ocean is cold and squally. It’s so very tiring just trying to stay afloat. Your life jacket is failing and you’ve swallowed water enough to poison you. The horizon is nothing but pitch black, unknown, perpetual  and when you’re washed into a cave, you have nothing to keep your feet steady on the  slippery algae and the rats that litter and skitter the black rock floor.

In some ways, it makes no difference what your sea of troubles is. For me, it’s severe Anorexia Nervosa, for you, it may be Alcoholism, Bulimia, Gambling, Drug addiction, Perfectionism, Depression, I could go on…

At some point, no matter what we’re suffering with, we have to decide whether to slip under the life jacket, under the

devil_may_cry_4___drowning_by_amoralisch-d5l34px tumult and into the cold, grey peace of the damage; breathing in, suffused with fatal calm as our sickness becomes us.

OR whether we choose to sum up courage and force frozen arms to propel us one more time into the darkness, in the teeth chattering, tiny hope that somehow, at some point, we will be washed onto an unknown shore which MAY, MAY look less bleak than the land we once swam from.

There is, always, a point where we have to face the options. I’ve dressed it up, made a fuss. But it comes down to this.

Sink or swim.

Be, or not be.

One thing is certain, to remain passive, is to choose death.