For once, I am going to exercise some discipline and force my raging, anorexic mind and (consequently) my restless, driven body to be still, while I sit here and type a post on my blog.
It’s something that I have been avoiding for a while, the reason born of a desire for this blog to be one that inspires others with eating disorders, and informs those who seek to understand more about the illness.
I can’t accurately describe my resentment towards the disparity between my healthy, passionate heart and my sad, bony frame. I hate the fact that I am desperate to encourage your suffering friend / sister / self, to offer hope and triumph, whilst my own body becomes less and less and my own story one of failure. I long to prise the illness away from others yet I am riddled through to my marrow.
It’s disheartening. I always said I could write a comprehensive guide to Anorexia but still die of it.
It sounds as if I am giving in..
Don’t be fooled. I will never truly abandon the fight. I am certain that somewhere, albeit amazing at Hide and Seek, somewhere, I still hold a small seed of hope.
I’m posting this because despite the horrible discrepancies I write of, my determination to avoid hypocrisy demands that I am honest about my own journey. That means admitting that I can’t find a way out; admitting that whilst I have the passion to educate the uninitiated and to offer hope to the hopeless; I can’t really do that until I have battled and won. It’s no good my standing, almost dead on my feet, whilst I preach recovery and restoration.
Do as I say, not as I do… The familiar face of Anorexic hypocrisy!
I am in a dangerous place, with a life threatening BMI and the illness is wrecking havoc. The shortage of beds on a national scale mean that I haven’t yet been put into hospital, but this is what my clinician is waiting for. She thinks it’s the only way ahead right now.
Determined to continue the trek, I have temporarily set up camp in the desert (not to be confused with the similarly spelled ‘dessert’ – Delight at irony still as prominent as ever). My arid landscape affords a pathetic diet, my feet are too tired to walk much further and, some of the time, I have my head in the sand. There are occasions though, where I can look around me and take stock of these hostile surroundings, and perhaps accept that I may need to be removed from here until I’m stronger again. There are also occasions where, if I squint at the burning horizon, I imagine a glimpse of water, of greenery.
I’ll let you know whether or not it’s anything more than a mirage.
For now, let’s try to hope
Lastthingoutthebox 
Always good to hear from you, Firefly
Big hugs
john
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Thank you so much John.
I’m returning that hug
Ff
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Sending you much MUCH love…
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It’s so appreciated Alice! Thank you!
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Praying for you friend!
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Thanks m1cey. I really need all the prayers I can get at the mo. Seems like I’m in need of a big miracle.
So glad you’re still around
ff. X
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Nothing is impossible for God! ❤️
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Dearest FF, as much as I’d like to write something encouraging in my own words, I, like you said above and 99% of everyone else-whether they admit it or not-find it MUCH easier to teach/preach what we do not possess for ourselves. So, I’ll pass on something I just saw today, from someone (a country music lover/singer at that) who discovered and expressed first hand what you are longing for. I hope it’s not too long. Praying along with m1cey and all your other friends, ❤️Valorie
March 8, Today in 1989 – Stuart Hamblen Died
One evening, actor John Wayne threw a party and invited some friends over. As the evening wore on, Wayne and his guests began discussing the effectiveness of psychiatrists. It seemed that most of them had been in “analysis” for emotional problems at one time or another. But did it help? Opinions were mixed. Few seemed sure that the treatment had done much good, or been worth the money. Then one fellow offered the observation, “Well, it’s no secret what God can do.”
For many years he had been a hard drinker, living a godless and profane life. Yet in spite of his wild ways, he had had a successful career in show business. In 1926, he became radio’s first singing cowboy, and three years later he recorded songs with the Victor Talking Machine Company (later called RCA). He made western films with Roy Rogers and Gene Autry, as well as John Wayne. But recently he had put his faith in Christ, and his life had been transformed. He was a saved man, and he knew it. He had discovered first hand what God could do, and he gave up the entertainment business to serve the Lord Jesus Christ.
That social evening eventually broke up, and John Wayne said goodbye to his guests. When he shook hands with the new Christian he remarked, “That was an interesting comment you made. Maybe you could write a song about it.” And the fellow, whose name was Carl Stuart Hamblen, did just that.
Stuart Hamblen went on to write many gospel songs. But that night he created a song that has been translated into more than 50 languages. The original manuscript is buried in the cornerstone of a building of the Library of Congress. When they arrived home from the Wayne’s house nearby, Stuart’s wife Suzi headed up to bed, but he sat down to consider the idea. What could he say as his testimony of what the Lord had done in His life? Just then, the clock struck the midnight hour, and that gave him his opening line.
“The chimes of time ring out the news; another day is through.
Someone slipped and fell. Was that someone you?
You may have longed for added strength, your courage to renew,
Do not be disheartened, for I bring hope to you.
It is no secret what God can do.
What He’s done for others, He’ll do for you.
With arms wide open, He’ll welcome you–
It is no secret what God can do.
There is no night, for in his light, you’ll never walk alone.
You’ll always feel at home, wherever you may roam.
There is no power can conquer you while God is on your side;
Take him at his promise, don’t run away and hide.
It is no secret what God can do.
What he’s done for others he’ll do for you.
With arms wide open he’ll pardon you-
It is no secret what God can do.”
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Dear Valorie.
I just wrote you a long response and lost it before I got to post it.
Gutted!
I just wanted to thank you for taking such time and care to convey something so beautiful.
I also need to tell you how much I appreciate your honesty and your integrity. It’s so easy to throw down a unspoiled carpet of half tested truths and promises. I appreciate that your response incorporates much of your own struggle and pain.
Thank you for the song. It’s something I’d never heard before. (Shame on me as a Country lover!)
Sending all my warmest wishes
ff
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I love the honesty in this post.
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