In my last post I think I may have explained that I was accepting a third round of inpatient treatment, which I hope will go some way towards explaining my temporary absence from the blogsphere.
It’s been four weeks.
Four weeks of a graded increase in food.
Four weeks of setting up my small bedroom and equipping it with things that will make it look less like a hospital and more like student digs.
Four weeks of adjusting my routine; of getting used to eating six times a day, of sitting still in a crowded communal lounge for a total of four and a half hours each day, often subjected to death by American ‘comedy’ interspersed by the even more torturous Jeremy Kyle show and Hollyoaks.
Four weeks of sussing out the eight other patients; logging their individual idiosyncrasies… getting to know who experiences distress at the mention of the weekly menus,who cant touch anything after eating for extreme fear that there exists a phenomenon whereby calories can be transferred onto any object she touches.
Four weeks learning to tread carefully around topics others find ‘triggering’, learning who responds to a hug and who shrinks from it, leaving and receiving little notes of encouragement and kindness.
Four weeks of interacting with different staff nurses and health care assistants.
Four weeks of twice weekly ‘weigh ins’; the unavoidable moment of fear, where figures flutter round, and then pierce, the early morning brain fog.
Four weeks and I feel hopeless and despairing because the pain of weight gain, albeit gradual, feels increasingly frightening and I just don’t know if my courage can hold out for the long haul.
Firefly, it’s so good to hear from you! I’ve been thinking of and praying for you daily. After your last post, I went back and read through your entire blog, so I could better understand what you’re experiencing. I’ve been especially praying for your stamina in enduring the physical discomfort and for your rest in the One who knows exactly what that discomfort feels like. Thank you for describing some of your thoughts and routine in this update. It helps to know what else to pray for you and your fellow sojourners. Celebrating this four week progress! Though, I AM sorry you have to be subjected to “American comedy.” Too bad my country can’t export something more wholesome . Much love to you,
Valorie
x
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Dear Valorie
I just don’t have the words to express my surprise and my gratitude to you. Honestly… I am so moved by your kindness and your care. The fact that someone I don’t know has been praying for me daily… What did I do to deserve that?! I have gotta say, your prayers thus far, are being answered inasmuch as I have been able to withstand the agony of the initial refeeding process. It’s now beginning to get more difficult, as I’m starting to see the physical changes.
I cringed at the American comedy thing! So sorry! I promise that no offence was intended! It’s just the sheer volume of unfunny sitcoms is a bit of a mindnumbing experience! I did enjoy Friends when it was on…! Does that buy me any forgiveness.?!
Thank you so much (again) for your support. I think you must be pretty amazing.
Much love
firefly
x
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Hello, Firefly, from your fellow “cringer”. My comment was meant to show some solidarity/empathy about American “comedy” shows. I myself, don’t even like to watch TV, much less the unfunny sitcoms. So, I can really relate to what it must feel like to sit in a communal room for that many hours, having to hear it even if not watching it. So, no offence at all taken. And, I’m really grateful that we both have such a High Priest in Jesus, Who not only prays daily for us fellow strugglers (however that battle looks in each of our lives), but in every moment of every day, carrying us and our needs on His heart before His (and our) Father! In praying for each other, we sometimes get a glimpse of that precious conversation :-). And, did you know, the Trinity is especially fond of you!
Thanks for taking the time to reply. You express your challenges well. I’ll keep praying for your endurance for the difficult mental and emotional reshaping that will accompany the physical changes.
With love,
Valorie
x
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One day at a time.
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Yes. Thanks for this reminder. It often needs to be broken down to one meal / snack at a time… I tend to break my day into quarters in order to cope…
Thanks for reading. x
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Hang on to Jesus FF! He’s got this! He’s got you! I’m so glad you are persevering. You can do this. I’m rooting for you! I’m praying for total healing and recovery. Remember this earthly body cannot compare to your heavenly body. Your earthly body is uncomfortable but temporary. You are beautiful. You are a child of God. You are his delight. You are loved and treasured. Eat to live!
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Bless you and thank you so much m1cey. Your kindness touches me and I am encouraged to know that you are praying. Recovery feels one hell of a way off and U’m not even sure that I believe that healing is possible, let alone TOTAL healing… I’m flagging already and I’m not even clear of the ‘start’ poles yet.
Thank you for your ongoing presence.
firefly
X
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I only just found out why you are in Bristol. You’ve been on my mind a lot. Will be praying for you. Is there anything I can do for you? Send you something to help with (against) the boredom?
Love, Mirjam (zusje 😉 ) xxx
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Zusje! Thank you so much for the message. You are so lovely! I am leaving Bristol in a fortnight… Not long to go. It isn’t really the right thing to do, but I can’t stand much more. Really hope you’re well. Thank you for thinking of me xx
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Dear Firefly,
As I continue to pray for you, something keeps coming to mind that you wrote in your September 5th post, just before entering the inpatient program. And, that is (speaking of accepting the help of treatment), “It will be bearable, though it won’t feel it. It won’t kill me, Ironically, it could save my life. But it won’t feel that way because the process of weight restoration will involve the slow death of a part of this illness, so it will feel like it.
In all the darkness, I must somehow manage to fix my eyes on a light I will not always see.”
This seems to be so crucial, in that weight restoration is only part of the recovery process. Perhaps its biggest role (gradual weight gain) is to help get you to the point where you can begin to fight the real battle in your soul. After all these weeks, as you feel like you can’t stand much more, are you sensing what is really terrifying you? Have you identified the part of this illness that must die?
Praying always that God who said “Light up the darkness!” will fill your life with His light as you fix your eyes on Jesus, Who is our light. Most of the time, I simply ask Him to help you, since I too, know what the terror feels like, and had to get outside help so I could even get “to the starting gate” as you’ve described; so I could begin to fight the real battle. I’m here, if you’d like to email. But, absolutely no pressure or expectation for you to do so!
With love,
Valorie
x
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Dear Valorie
I have no idea who you are, but it does feel a little bit like you might be an angel sent to me to somehow walk alongside me on this very painful part of my journey.
Thank you for your kindness. I can’t tell you how touched I am that you actually think about someone you don’t know and more, PRAY for me… You take the time and the effort to do this for someone you’ve never met. I am often astounded by some people’s capacity for loving others. It’s a beautiful antidote to all the sadness and selfishness you hear about in the media.
Your quote made me think. I didn’t recognise the words as my own (I often don’t as I never read back on what I’ve written here and seem to write in a kind of special ‘zone’). Perhaps it’s accurate then to say that I made myself think! Either way, you’re right about weight restoration only being a PART of the process. If it was the only factor, goodness knows I’d stick this out for longer (I’ll fill in the facts in a post).
I wish I could answer your questions (I’ll try this week) but the answers aren’t clear…
I DO want to thank you hugely for your continued support and interest
Hoping that you are well and that your battle is won?
Love
firefly
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Lovely Firefly,
From reading your blog and your reply comments throughout, I imagine that you and I are similar, in that we both desire to offer hope, encouragement, and love to others because that’s what we’re made for. Having tasted and received Love Himself makes us want to share any of the good news we can lay our hands on! When we walk alongside someone, it also helps us to remember our own frailties and encourages honesty about our own journeys. I feel that way, and I see that in you. Your story touches me deeply, because you’re trying to make your way through terrifyingly difficult and obscuring mists on the path that leads to real Life and Light. Not many people are so honest about telling people that they’re scared and just want to run away. You, along with the others who read and participate in Emma’s blog at “A New Name”, represent an extremely encouraging community that I don’t have in my local area. I need to hear the really Good News from fellow strugglers, not from those who always seem “to have it all together”!
My own particular battle with self-hatred is ongoing. It doesn’t show as much on the outside now as it does internally. I know that the ultimate battle has already been won (Jesus HAS nailed it to death on the cross), but everyday, I have to believe that and to choose to not invite my loved ones and others to “witness a murder” so to speak, with my dreadful self hating words and actions, as it’s more tempting to go that route than to admit what is really terrifying me. The self hatred feels a lot safer. But, there was a time that I thought I had to beat it all on my own. Hormonal and brain chemistry problems were like a smothering blanket over the real soul problem I have (It’s a longer story than I can elaborate on in this comment. I’d be glad to correspond with you privately, if you like. If you happened to have seen the movie “Gravity” with Sandra Bullock, her character represents what I felt like: untethered and tumbling out of control, alone in space and the outer darkness, panicking and running out of oxygen, before George Clooney’s character comes and grabs her.) Submitting myself to medication and a 10 month physician monitored diet in my case, finally led to calming my brain enough to begin to want to live, really live. There are still days that I feel like an epic failure, and if I can’t see Jesus at those times, that’s when I think of people like you and Emma, and I know I’m not alone. And, you’re not alone either! If the Lord allows me to be a companion alongside you, it’s to be because He has us both, and He’s bringing us both home. If you can remain where you are, one day at a time, as you’ve said before, trusting a few people, (locally–maybe “Emma, family…?” and/or abroad like “me, M1cey…?”) to walk alongside you, I think you will get to that place of confronting the terror; perhaps recognizing when or why it began, and identifying why IT seems like more like death than starving your body does. It’s hard to combat an enemy when we’re not even sure what it is.
With much love,
Valorie xxx
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